Now back to my previous life, I didn't tell anyone because within me I wasn’t mad at him and I still liked him, plus I felt like if I didn't flirt and teased him so much it wouldn’t have happened, yeah I blamed myself. Sounds familiar huh? Two years went by and that was a done deal. I was sexually active and I went from smoking marijuana and cigarettes to lacing both with cocaine, which I thought I was really doing something. By the way, just in case you were thinking. Where were my parents in all this? Well my mother was in and out of drug programs, which I thought at that time she was physically sick and was in and out of the hospital for some kind of disease and I didn't figure it out until I was much older that drugs was a disease, but in the mind for the most part. My biological father was in and out of my life and my stepfather was in and out of jail, so I ended up staying in and out of my grandmother's house, but at the time of my rap I was living with my mother, which was a very short time. I ended up back at my grandmother house until I turned eighteen, then I was back with my mother and graduated from high school. Right after graduation June of 1985 I went straight to community college majoring in accounting. Which I only was following after my sister which was a year older then me and who I adored and looked up to. I felt that she was going somewhere in her life, plus she got out of the living situation with my grandmother at the age of 16 staying with her boyfriend who she ended up marrying by the way and still together today, so cool huh? During that summer of 85' my mother and I moved to another part of town and on my last trip I sent my girlfriend, my (road dog) to score some marijuana across the street where there happen to be a park where all the drug dealers on that side of town hung out. That house was the worse for me and destined for destruction, and ended up being the worse place we ever moved to. I often thought about that place and wondered what my life would have been like if we never had moved. Anyway she came back with a white rock of some sort. I scold her and told her to get my money back but she said that it was a new drug and showed me how to use it, and me being more of a follower and wanting to be cool, I tried it. After the second hit of the pipe I was now hooked on crack cocaine the summer of 85' right after I graduated from high school and fresh in college (and by the way I ended up being a drop out). My life as I knew it became a down spiral fast and hard. I ended up turning to prostitution selling my body for money and crack (which they called a Toss Up) which I ended up being Queen Toss Up, but don’t get it twisted I was not proud of it at all. It was shameful, disgusting but I didn’t know how to stop and didn't have support and didn't know how to get it. I'll I knew how to do is pray and never stop praying that God would one day help me. In my heart and imagination when I wasn't high, I would always imagine that one day God would come to rescue me or send someone. Well it happened, but not until later. So getting high and jumping in and out of cars all night became my new life style, a fifteen year life style of turmoil, homelessness, pain, suffering and hitting and missing suicide because I tried to commit suicide twice but fail as you can see. After the second attempt I actually thought I was put on this earth to live this life of drugs and sex. I know that it's hard to understand where God played in all this, but He played a big part, because He kept me through the entire bad situation’s that came with my drug habit. My life with God started a long time ago when I was twelve, and again after I got raped, but I didn’t have any stick ability in my life which was His word because I didn’t’ read or study the bible which plays an important part of salvation. I just went to church thinking that’s all I had to do, but God didn’t give up on me. Even during my backsliding moments God always sent people my way to minster to me, but I didn’t receive it or believed what they was telling me because I felt like I tried God and it didn’t work for me. I prayed for help and He didn't answer. So I went on my marry way thinking that I had it all under control. Until one day in 1999 my dear sister in Christ and her husband that I met at the last church I attended a year ago, knocked at my door. I came running to the door thinking it was the drug dealer, but it was my brother in the lord who held out his hand and said "come with me my sister". For one I was sooooo embarrassed because if you can imagine me when I opened the door I had a cigarette in my mouth and a Old English 800 (beer) in my hand. I froze until he said it again "come with me my sister". I froze because earlier that week I prayed to God (oh yeah I keep praying) even though I was in my mess calling myself having control of my life. I prayed asking God to send one of his soldiers to help me, because I couldn't do it on my own and that's exactly what he did. Remember I prayed that prayer alone time ago? Why didn't He come to my rescue then you may ask? I didn't learn until later that God is a timing God, He is time itself. He knows when, where and want time your heart and mind is lined up with His Will. Now moving forward, I started walking out the door when he asked me to put away the things I had in my mouth and hand lol (it's funny now thinking about). I ended up receiving and believing in the word of God by reading, studying the bible and receiving the holyghost/holyspirit which gave me stick ability for 19 years now. Glory be to the most high God and Jesus Christ for salvation!
I pray my blog open the eye's to those who are in a dark place and encourage those who are in Christ, that there is nothing too hard for God. I also pray that my words will make you think twice about your life. Believe it or not this is God trying to reach out for the first time to some and again to others.
Salvation Prayer: Lord Jesus, I thank you for my life, health and strength. I now believe in my heart that your son Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and my salvation. I confess with my mouth my sins to you and receive Jesus as my lord and savior. I desire to live for you and become a disciple of your word. Come into my life and save me. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Congratulation! Now my sister/brother in Christ, I welcome you to the family of God. Now walk in Him and know that you are saved and perfect in God eyes. Importantly know that you have an advocate (Jesus) who is always before his father praying for you and always there when you need him. Also know most of all, if you have an addiction or some stronghold that you've been dealing with. Go to God in prayer and He will deliver you always, even when you fall short. So don't forget you can get back up and dust yourself off and move forward in Christ, giving that thing that made you fall to God in prayer. Now It is your duty to read and study the bible praying for wisdom, knowledge and understanding always and most of all attend bible study that you may learn the more. Now I pray my sister/brother that God will show you the church were you belong and can grow, Amen. Again, Congratulation!
Lord Help Us All,
Sista LoLo
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